Jordan Kwok—Newcastle, U.K.
Head rests,
Eyes fall upon the starlight,
Thoughts like billows,
Swell in reflection,
Expand in contemplation.
How could I have once been so foolish?
So foolish …
Lost—
I was lost in the world,
Away from home,
Drawn to the luminosity.
Adrift,
Unanchored upon the symphony of the city
Where sin
and lust
and desire
thrived.
Like a bee,
Drawn to the bait,
Enticed by the fields;
The efflorescence of temptation
To relieve the pain of loneliness.
How could I have been so blind?
So blind …
Exhilaration,
pushing the boundaries,
Daring,
thriving on the adrenaline,
Driving through the rules
trying, testing, teasing.
The intoxication surrounded by the ungodly.
They were so fun.
I’m just having fun, tasting life to the full.
Drunk with laughter,
Craving for more,
Distracted for the night.
Limitless,
Confident,
What was I doing wrong?
So wrong …
Yet
Behind closed doors
Guilt.
Overwhelming excess of guilt.
Overpowering emptiness.
I needed more
I felt so lonely
I was unsatisfied
Still in pain …
Where were my friends then?
Something is missing.
In the far corners of my mind,
There whispered
God.
God was missing …
What happened to me?
My knowledge of the Scriptures;
I, who once taught the young and aided the elderly;
I, who once burned with zeal;
What happened?
What happened to me?
Naive
Careless
Complacent
Deluded by the canopy of dark.
In the hours when I needed You most
I turned to the world.
The allures that offered but a moment of satisfaction
I turned to them.
Where was I?
Where were You?
But
You were always there.
Even at my darkest,
Even at my most lost.
You preserved me,
You carried me.
I, who sinned against You
I, who was careless
I, who am so undeserving.
How can I come back?
So shameful …
I reached
In repentance I reached towards You, my Father
And You heard me, You saved me, You brought me back,
You reminded me of Your love.
Like a father, You hugged, cradled me, whispered to me:
Child, I will never leave you
Child, I am here
My child, come home.
You gave me a second chance,
You told me to change,
You gave me the strength—
Are You sure Lord?
I’ve missed You, Lord …
I bowed.
In desperation, I bowed.
I was wrong, Father
I was wrong.
I needed You, not them.
In my darkest hour, I needed You.
But I am here now.
You brought me home, into Your arms, and You held me.
You understand me.
As I poured my heart, You listened to me:
Father, can I come home?
Child, come home.
A boundless sea of peace pours within me,
Joy transcends my doubt,
River currents gush from my eyes,
I long to reunite,
I long for sweetness,
I surrender, Father.
I want to be with You, not them.
I will change, to be with You,
I will change and not go back,
Because You have accepted me.
Despite my errors
Despite my sin
You paved a way back;
I love You, Father.
I love you too, child.
My life
now has meaning.
His love in contemplation
has changed me in appreciation.
It brings me tears
when I remember His love;
It brings a meaning to my service
when I remember His love;
It brings me to talk of Him
when I remember His love;
Through the dark, and now into the light
He loved me, and
He loves me.
Head rests,
Eyes fall upon the starlight.
I lie in sleepy tranquility,
Heart filled with praise,
Acknowledging reconciliation,
Drifting into the peaceful wake of a new dawn.
Precious Father,
Lead me home.